Where I Rate the Avengers Based Solely on My Ignorance

There’s an overload of testosterone in my house. Even three quarters of my cats are male (you do the math). So when it comes time for family movies they are typically of the superhero variety, and rather than miss out on this special bonding time by dozing off to the comforting sounds of robot gun things and Robert Downey Jr. quips, I decided to really dig deep and try and get caught up in the action.

Unfortunately, I found myself pretty confused. My husband gets annoyed at the barrage of questions from my son, but honestly, that kid is doing the work for me. Because I have no idea why a hole opened in the sky, and I don’t know what that scepter does, and let me guess this whole thing ends with a giant battle, right?

For me, the best part of the movies are the characters (read: buff, attractive men in tight outfits). So I decided to do all you like-minded people a favor and cut to the chase. Below I have ranked the Avengers in order: from the coolest all the way down to Captain America.

1. Natasha RomanoffMy four year old son’s favorite Avenger is Natasha Romanoff. When asked why, he said, “Because she’s smart and a good fighter.” Mic drop! 

2. Thor. Come on. We’ve got angry mutants and rich playboys and a guy who can shoot a bow and arrow really fast, and then we’ve got Thor. Son of Odin. A god. Is it really even fair? At first I got him mixed up with He-Man, and I couldn’t wait to see Battle-Cat in action. Alas, a different universe entirely. He-Man and Thor do share a couple traits: namely long blonde hair and huge muscles. Except where He-Man was kind of shiny and orange, Thor is more of a pale matte.

Note: I bet Chris Helmsworth is glad he didn’t have to wear that codpiece, but none of the rest of us are.

3. Iron Man. Also known as Tony Stark. So he’s flying everywhere completely encased in really heavy armor that he invented because he’s a rich tech genius. But the thing about Iron Man compared to all these other Avengers is that when he is not in that iron doohickey he is just a regular man with a glowy thing in his chest. Just a regular man!

ironman

He couldn’t fit the sunglasses inside his helmet thing.

But he’s super rich, and funny as shit, so he’s got that going for him. Plus remember him in Weird Science? Therefore I rank Iron Man as the third coolest Avenger.

4. Hulk. What can I say. Bruce Banner is every girl’s dream: a brilliant physicist with a bit of an edge to him. It just so happens he was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time (namely, in a bunch of gamma rays) and since then, when angered, he turns green, busts through his clothes and goes apeshit on all the things. Everyone has their dark side. So he causes millions of dollars in damage when his feelings get hurt. Are you judging? We all harbor that inner Hulk. Might be nice to let it out once in a while.

hulk

Show us how you really feel.

5. War Machine. Well what do you know. It’s Don Cheadle. Who is not even close to being a white dude. Even the Harvard Political Review acknowledges a superhero diversity problem. It’s a great read.

6. Hawkeye. I think this guy’s talent is that he is a good archer. I’m not sure why he’s an Avenger. One time he was brainwashed by Loki and attacked the Avenger’s giant submarine/spaceship thing. Not nice, Hawkeye! Maybe stick to disarming bombs!

7. Captain America. At first I was like, snooze fest! The outfit, the name… it’s all a bit ethnocentric, a bit overly patriotic, like to the point of eye rolling.

captain america

America, fuck… meh

But the movies are aware of that. One or two self-deprecating jokes and we’re over it. Plus that shield is pretty tough, and the guy can punch a punching bag RIGHT OFF THE LITTLE HOOK THING. Luckily it appears he has an endless supply of punching bags. Problem is, he doesn’t swear and he doesn’t steal. Two of my favorite things! Look. Cappy is your boy-next-door kind of do-gooder, and we need more of those in this day and age. But he’s got a giant A on his forehead. He ranks last.

There, that’s my assessment. I know what you’re thinking. She didn’t cover Tigra or Starfox or Two-Gun Kid! Well to that I say you are a giant nerd.

 

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